TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let us have A different position wherever American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you All people a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal Trump Tower Damascus incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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